Changing “I Can’t” to “I Can!”
Sometimes things, like school, come easily to your children. This often feels like a blessing because your job is so much easier when your children are naturally gifted and don’t really have to work hard to get it down. It feels like a blessing until the day it stops happening and then you realize what a curse that natural gift can turn into. Because all that easy success leads to your children never experiencing not automatically having something down within the first few tries. And that is the end of the world as you know it because the lack of practice at problem solving also means they don’t know how to cope with this new realization. Suddenly “I don’t know how” turns into “I can’t” and everyone feels frustrated beyond belief and stuck. Naturally gifted children can develop a fixed mindset and have their success crumble in the face of these standard roadblocks if they aren’t properly prepared. So here are ways to instill and cultivate a growth mindset. This is a trait necessary for the kids that are naturally good at certain things and the ones who always seem to struggle with mastering new tasks.
Growth and Fixed Mindset - What is the difference?
A fixed mindset focuses on the outcome only. Can I do it or can I not. A growth mindset, however, is cultivated on the belief that anything can be learned and improved on, if you’re willing to work at it. A growth mindset shifts our attention from the outcome and rather to the effort and journey of reaching the outcome. It allows us to recognize we don’t know something or can’t do it yet, but that success can be found if we are hardworking and willing enough. Because life isn’t rainbows and unicorns, your child needs a growth mindset in order to push through the roadblocks and obstacles that life will inevitably throw at them. A growth mindset also allows your child to see every problem as an opportunity to try something new. This mindset allows your growing child to push the boundaries and fully meet their potential. It definitely sounds like a growth mindset is the way to go, but how do we promote this in our home.
Praise the right things
As parent’s you praise your children regularly, but if you focus on the wrong things, you can miss the mark and unwittingly set your child up for disappointment and frustration in the future when they have difficulty. You should not be praising the outcome of your children’s action. It isn’t winning a medal, the high grades, or the belt itself that should be your focus. You should praise them for all it took them to get there. Praise their work ethic, praise their dedication, their perseverance, their tenacity. Praise and celebrate the growth and all the work that it took to get them there. Greatness doesn’t happen by accident. It is a direct correlation to your child’s willingness to work and grow. Don’t expect or celebrate perfection. Celebrate what it took to get where they are today. This kind of praise instills and encourages a growth mindset that will help your child in the future more than the standard fluff well-meaning parents tend to focus on.
Change your family view of failure
Just like you need to be conscious of the way you praise, you need to be more conscious about the way you correct and view failure. To fail is to be human. It is not the end all, be all, and failure isn’t a reflection of us as an individual, but rather our work itself. And sometimes you will work hard and have a bad day or the other person worked a little bit harder. That loss isn’t a reflection that you failed or didn’t do enough. Your efforts still brought growth and that should be celebrated. Failure sucks but you should use it as motivation and a roadmap that shows wha you would like to do better in the future. You can only do that if you have a growth mindset and do not attribute that failure as a part of your identity. The same is true for mistakes. Mistakes are small failures and too often you teach your children that mistakes are bad. So be conscious of how you react to your child’s mistakes and failures. Empathize with their frustrations and feelings but also shift the focus back towards the effort and work that occurred and what you can do differently in the future.
Let them have space to practice
Modeling the appropriate focus of praise and response to failure is a powerful start to boosting your child’s mindset. Once this has become a comfortable routine in your home give them space to practice and nourish this mindset within themselves. You can’t guarantee you will always be there to praise them and help build up their confidence after a mess up. It’s important to guide your kiddo through this process by asking things like:
What did you do well?
What would you do differently next time?
What can we learn from this to help us in the future?
Helping them work through these questions with a little prompting ensure they are internalizing the mindset and that when things are hard they will be able to self sooth and work through their emotions, dynamically redirect their focus and keep on growing no matter the setbacks.
Looking for practical ways to get into the practice of this? Try to watch your kiddo on the mat! Find one Warrior trait or thing they did well that you can focus your praise on at the end of class. Start asking them what they think went well and open a discussion about what could be done better next time so they can continue to improve. You’ve got this Warrior parents. And we’re here to help!
