Spoiled kids?

Many parents commonly ask me: Why do so many other kids act the way they do when they first come to my school? I think it’s due in part to parental:

1. Raving

Parents today, applaud and rave about their kids, over normal and expected behavior like finishing an assignment, or putting their plates in the dishwasher or making their bed. Expressing thanks for such acts is ok, but praising them as if they’ve just performed it in some extraordinary way, diminishes their ambition to more than the ordinary. It in fact, can cultivate a “diva” mentality in girls, and an entitled mindset in guys. Just because they got their black belts does not mean they are an ultimate warrior. They have accomplished an important goal at their age within the culture of this school. They only know what they have learned to that level, period.

2. Rewarding

Parents reward kids far too much for performance and conduct that is routine. Kids get a ribbon or medal just for playing on a team or competing, or a trophy for finishing a season, certificates for attending and passing a class, and money for not screaming at the mall. You must recognize that to do this, it cultivates an expectation that will surely harm them later when a professor or boss requires them to actually excel before receiving compensation. For this reason we give certificates, belts, chevrons for accomplishment through learning and earning at testing and no one gets a medal for just showing up and participating at a tournament.

3. Removing consequences.

This reason is the most sinister of all. Call it mercy, love, or empathy, but many parents simply reduce or remove consequences for kids who act out or break rules or even commit a crime. There are times we should do this, however, when this becomes a pattern, you disable kids from understanding how life works. Once again, you create an expectation of entitlement to special favors. Not passing a test, failure to earn a stripe in class or win a medal at tournament is only the fault of the child, plain and simple. If they act out say, “I quit” then consequences for these action should be in place.

Ownership.

When you over-praise, over-compensate, over-reward or over-react to kids, they learn that you want their success more than they do. Perhaps its true- you do at that point. But they never learn to own their education if you feel a greater sense of ownership than they do. They’ll gladly delegate responsibility to you. When you step in and remove consequences, they think: “Great ! Now I know you want me to get by without a scratch. I know I can be less careful in the future since you are here.”

Ownership is everything. And if you want kids to own their education—you’ll have to cultivate it. If you’re a boss and want your young employees to “own” their job, not just rent it, you’ll have to build that spirit into them. It works in this school as well. To accomplish a goal they have to stick with it, no matter how difficult it may be. Earning rank is not as easy as just showing up. They have to take ownership themselves.