Some time ago a parent came to me in complete frustration. It seemed that his child was being picked on at school and he wasn’t “fighting back.” His child was a black belt and could easily kick and punch up a storm. But on the playground, he believed he lacked the confidence to stand up for himself. His parent wanted him to strike back immediately and end it once and for all. But he just wouldn’t do it and they wanted me to reinforce to him that it was OK to fight back. While I did talk to his son, I also had to explain to the parent that the situation is never as black and white as it appears to be. The hardest part for me in this situation is to get the adult to understand the complexity of the situation from the viewpoint of the kid. Almost always, a parent is looking at it from an ADULT perspective, not a child’s. In our world the decision is far easier than in theirs. All of our friends know how to conduct themselves, we have a choice of who we are surrounded by and for us a self defense situation is pretty black and white because the offending person is usually a stranger or someone we will never want to see again. But the child’s world is much different. It is far more controlled. They do not have the freedom to choose who they associate with at school and they do not have experience dealing with even the smallest of conflict. That changes everything.

Let’s look at it from the kid’s perspective. Robert doesn’t know why, but Eric has been kicking him on the playground and being “mean to him” every day for two weeks. Eric really doesn’t hurt Robert that much. Robert gets kicked harder at Mr. Strickland’s school while sparring. Robert’s feelings hurt more than his leg does. It all started over a trading card trade that didn’t go so well. There was an argument but an adult stepped in and settled things and made them give back each others cards. Since then, Eric has been mean to Robert nearly every day. Eric and Robert used to play together all the time. In fact, Robert actually wants to patch things up. Robert is over the card trade incident but he just can’t get Eric to understand that, and Eric still isn’t over it. Robert really wants it to be over because, even with all this going on now, Robert still likes Eric because they both like all the same things. Robert still wants to play with Eric. Eric and Robert used to play everyday. Robert told his mom about it. All she said was that he shouldn’t play with Eric or he should hit Eric back. But Robert thinks that will make things worse. Robert desperately wants Eric to like him again so they can play. So Robert isn’t going to hit Eric. Robert will avoid Eric and play with Conrad for now. But Conrad doesn’t like the same things that Eric did. Robert could tell someone at school what is going on. But a few weeks ago Robert pushed Conrad on the playground for cheating at four square and he got in big trouble. He doesn’t want to get Eric in trouble like he got in. So for now, Robert will do nothing and hope Eric gets over it. Soon!

Sound confusing!? As hard as that was to read, it is harder to feel. All those emotions and thoughts go through the kids head and paralyze them into hesitation and inaction. Children are still learning how to resolve conflicts, both major and minor, in a way that repairs friendships and allows them to function with the same kids they will see every day, for years to come in some cases. Unfortunately, this is learned through trial and error. That error sometimes comes with a few bruises in the shin while we figure out how to handle it. Yes, to adults the answer is clear. That is because we have already learned these lessons. While we try to advise our kids on how to handle it, even that creates confusion at the moment the decision has to be made. So, when does their training kick in? It did from the very beginning. They know what a real threat is, and what is just inappropriate. That gives them the courage to try and work through the situation instead of over reacting and making it worse. But should they really be hurt, the emotional minefield of wanting to be liked will evaporate and they will act decisively. They understand, better than you think when the time is right.

By the way, a martial artist is far more dangerous when defending someone else rather than him/herself. There is no emotional minefield in that situation, nor any desire for self preservation. Their only thought is to help someone else. Such selfless sacrifice makes any warrior, including Robert, someone to be reckoned with!